Squee's Fantastical Field Trip of DOOM
by WTFWonder
Summary: Squee’s class is taking an educational field trip to the zoo, but they’re short one chaperone. Guess who volunteers? JTHM.
1. FIELD TRIP

**Squee's Fantastical Field Trip of DOOM**

By WTFWonder

Summary: Squee's class is taking an educational field trip to the zoo, but they're short one chaperone. Guess who volunteers? **JTHM**.

"Attention pathetic fleshlings," Ms. Bitters hissed from the front of the class, "the school has created a day that will rid it of your presence, the need to provide you food and the frustration of trying to educate your steadily devolving brains, while still paying myself and the other teaching drones their salary." The tall, shadowy and slithery teacher turned to the chalkboard and quickly screeched FIELD TRIP on it. She turned back around and continued, "This day is to be deemed a _field trip_.", she grated out, ominous rattlesnake noises coming from nowhere.

"On this _field trip_," dark clouds suddenly rushed in over the happy, sunny day outside as lightning flashed and thunder boomed before it all abruptly disappeared, "we will travel by bus to a designated location for you little bipeds to infest for a period of time. During these few hours you will tour the area and put on the visage of learning something when in fact you will be skittering along on your doomed ways, not really doing anything even remotely educational. At the end of this _field trip_," several moaning and tormented spirits suddenly burst through the walls over the students' heads, completely unnoticed save for a green boy without any ears who stared at them defensively, hand hovering over the laser gun trigger, a boy with scythe shaped hair who barely blinked at them (no one believed him anyway), a small boy with messy black hair and big, frightened eyes—a boy named Todd Casil to be precise—who gave a small squee of fear--and Ms. Bitters.

"…Odd, they usually come at noon. Anyway at the end the majority of you will be corralled and shipped back to the school. Any questions?" A girl in the back raised her hand. "Yes, Julie?"

"Yeah, do we have to bring our own brunches?"

"That question was WRONG!" Ms. Bitters proclaimed before pressing a huge red button on her desk. Twin rocket jets appeared on the bottom of Julie's chair and jettisoned her screaming through the roof, a new chair rising out of a trap door behind the desk. A boy that sat to the right of this desk raised his hand.

"Yes, Greg?"

"Do we have to bring our own _lunches_?"

"That question is RIGHT! Yes, you have to bring your own lunches and for questioning correctly you get a cookie." She pressed a purple button with the picture of a chocolate cookie on it, a cookie the size of a small inflatable pool dropping from the ceiling and crushing Greg. He then ate a hole through the thing ravenously, slobber spraying from his mouth as he glutted himself. "Now then, the location for the _field trip_," a spider the size of a wildebeest appeared in the window, shattered the glass and snatched two shrieking children from their desks before disappearing and causing Todd to shudder violently in his seat, "has yet to be decided. Do you festering spawn boils have any suggestions?"

The classroom went into utter chaos as random children began to bounce up and down, and/or off walls and the ceiling, some foaming at the mouth and others talking in tongues as they waved their hands in the air crazily, all shouting out different places. These places ranged from the mall, Bloaty's, the sewer, the alley behind Skool, Elm Street, the F.B.I. Secret Headquarters (conveniently across the street with a neon sign saying DEFINITELY NOT THE F.B.I. SECRET HEADQUARTERS), and the moon. "SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters boomed, her crooked body growing and extra five feet as she loomed over the classroom, tentacles of shadowy doom slithering out of her back.

The class was instantly placid, staring straight ahead with a dead, dull look in their eyes. "Make those eyes duller!" Several of their eyes clicked off like lightbulbs. "Now, will anyone with a suggestion _raise their hand_ before shouting out your temporary holding place of desire?" Dib waved his hand back and forth in a blur, his lensed eyes wide with urgency. Ms. Bitters looked right at him and paused for ten seconds before sighing, "Dib?"

Dib Membrane abruptly jumped onto his desk in a flamboyant fashion, a huge grin of pre-triumph on his face. "I say we take our field trip to ZIM's house!", he cried as he pointed accusingly at the green boy on the other side of the class. Todd looked warily at the paranormally-obsessed boy who sat in front of him, then over at Zim who seemed quite panicked at the implication. In all honesty, young Mr. Casil knew that the guy as an alien—it was blatant from the start (he'd seen enough alienage to know) not to mention he'd seen him without the "disguise" of a wig and adhesive eye contacts.

_Not as scary as those other aliens, but he still scares me._, he thought nervously. Then again, almost everything scared the little boy: his next door neighbor, mice, his next door neighbor, geese, his next door neighbor, aliens, his next door neighbor, shadows, his next door neighbor, losing Shmee and his next door neighbor. All the same, the kid didn't want to risk entering Zim's house. Thankfully, the usual chorus of stereotypical putdowns arose from the class—well, putdown.

"…You're crazy!" The entire class erupted in laughter and what sounded like a donkey braying as Zim let out a sigh of relief.

"I am not! Besides, don't you guys want to see the inside of his creepy alien basement with lots of creepy, violent alieny weapons and junk?" Dib said coaxingly. He'd finally realized the key to his fellow students' interest: mindless, stupid violence. Yay. To Dib's joy, a couple of kids actually seemed to ponder this before Zim finally spoke up.

"Nonsense ridiculously big-headed human-worm! I am no more than a simple, dumb-dumb human-baby like the rest of you and have no torturous rooms of alieny torture to offer. Because I am not an alien." He abruptly jumped on his desk, a mirror image of Dib, "YOU CAN PROVE NOTHIIING!"

"I WILL WHEN WE GO TO YOUR HOUSE!"

"NOT IF YOU DON'T COME TO MY SECRET BA—house…" He smirked and ceased his looming posture as he continued, "For I suggest we all visit the--."

The lenses of Ms. Bitters' glasses glowed red as she growled in a demonic tone, "RAISE YOUR HAND!" Todd squeed and Zim blinked as he timidly raised his hand. "Zim?"

"Ahem, yes. I suggest we all visit the Wit House to meet and/or exchange NOT-poisons with the president."

Dib raised a brow and crossed his arms, "You mean the _White_ House?"

Zim stared blankly at the big-headed boy before shouting, "Do not correct me Dib-stink!"

A random child called out, "Hey _Dib_, at least going to a wit house sounds better than going to an obviously non-alien's house." Other students dumbly grunted/answered an affirmative. Zim grinned at Dib cockily as the latter looked back and forth anxiously. Todd felt bad for Dib a lot of the time. He knew what it was like to have people, namely Mommy and Daddy, not believe him when he told them the Scary Neighbor Man was always breaking into his room at night. On the other hand, he feared telling Dib that he knew Zim was an alien too as the bespectacled boy would probably latch onto him as a permanent witness to Zim's alien-ness. Friends were okay, but stalkers—homicidal or not—were scary. As was everything else in poor Todd Casil's life.

"But…But…" a lightbulb flashed over his enormous head before exploding glass into a girl's eyes, "Zim has a talking green dog!" He turned to look at the whole class and proclaimed, "And none of you can deny he doesn't! You've seen him with his dog…uh, Gir, that was it, talking to him, and even _riding home_ on him by _flying_!" And there was the second key to the class' interest: ANIMALZZ! Woot-YAY! Both enemies looked into the sea of deplorable brain cell carriers as they began to recall the cool dog Zim inexplicably owned. "And did you know that he can make waffles?" There was a huge gasp from the class (save for Todd, he'd seen far weirder than waffle-making dogs at this point).

There was a plethora of collective "ZOMG a dog that can make WAFFLZ?! No wai!!" murmurs thru the room as Dib began to lay it on thick, Zim seeming to grow visibly smaller. "Along with muffins and cake." Now the children were in an all out uproar as they clamored rabidly for field tripping to Zim's house to see the super-cool-oh-em-gee-awesomeness that was Zim's dog. "Did I mention he can _break dance_?" A couple of students spontaneously combusted with glee and Dib decided to stop there.

It was just as well as the kids began to chant, "Zim's house! Zim's house! Zim's house!"

Zim glared at Dib before turning to the other students, "I forbid it, you putrid flesh monkeys! My home is not meant for your squishy, undeserving eyes and only for ZIM! I will not allow any of you to set foot in my lair!"

"Actually Zim," Ms. Bitters grated, "according to Skool Rules rule number 83, subsection alpha omega, the school is allowed to invade and all out destroy the privacy of a student in the name of school work, slave labor, school functions or bake sales."

That said, the children continued to chant, "Zim's house! Zim's house! Zim's house!"

Ms. Bitters sighed, "Very well then. If none of you ankle-biting failures can think of a better place to visit, then our _field trip_," several plants on the windowsill abruptly shriveled to blackness and died, "will be to Zim's house." In a flash of movement the malevolent teacher slammed an egg timer on her desk. "You have exactly ten seconds."

Todd Casil subtly reached into the backpack at his side and grabbed Shmee's arm reassuringly. _Oh Shmee, what should I do? I know everyone's looking forward to going to Zim's house and Dib will finally prove Zim's an alien, but I'm way too scared to go inside an alien's house. …Especially after the experiments._ He shuddered here and looked into the shadows of his backpack at the eternally happy face of his teddy bear.

A pause and then a slight smile from Todd as he mentally chuckled, _Oh Shmee, burning Zim, Dib, the kids and Zim's house won't solve anything, but thanks for trying._ Another pause. _Make a different suggestion? But no one will want to go where I want, I just know it..._ Todd thought depressingly. _No, I'm not going to burn them if they reject me; besides, I don't know where else we could go. Unless…_ Todd released Shmee's arm so he could rest his chin in both hands as he thought.

There was one place he'd wanted to visit, even if there were several potentially dangerous things there. The zoo. He'd seen pictures and ads for those big places chockfull of animals and had instantly sucked the boy in with their promises of family fun for all. Granted, the first and only time he'd asked his parents to take him Mommy had blatantly ignored him and Daddy had told him to fuck off and get kidnapped, but that didn't mean the other kids would. Right? Todd sighed. There was probably no chance whatsoever that they'd agree with going to the zoo. None at all. Todd gulped as he thought, _Never hurts _too_ much to try…_

The egg timer was on its last second as the boy just barely raised his hand above the level of his desk. Ms. Bitters turned fully towards him, simultaneously crushed the egg timer under her fist and pointed at the easily frightened boy. "TODD!", said boy squealed loudly, "What is your alternative suggestion?" Every kid in the class, and even a few cartoon characters on the posters, turned to stare directly at him.

The wide-eyed boy gulped dryly and twiddled his thumbs as he stammered, "I was, uh, w-wondering if we could go t-to the zoo…instead..?" Where there _would_ have been a long and awkward silence there was the sound of Ms. Bitters' hateful tone.

"You refer to the one and only public zoo in this repulsive city that has on its record, 45 _consecutive_ missing children reports where neither blood nor bone or even a strand of hair as found? _That_ zoo?" Todd gaped in terror and dismay at his teacher's description. The zoos he'd seen on TV were nothing like that. They were full of docile, well-fed animals behind the strong steel bars of cages and happy families and friends eating hot dogs. Oh how the TV had lied. LIIIIED!

"U-Uhm…I-I didn't…"

A seldom, crooked grin cracked the withered teacher's face as she grated out, "An excellent suggestion. We will be going to the zoo for our _field trip_." A cute little butterfly passing by the window burst into flame. There was a five second silence in which the students processed this piece of information.

And then, "KEWWWL! More animals are teh _awesome_!" The children began to flock around like spastic monkeys on crack, Dib gawking at them in horror.

"B-But, what about Zim's dog?!"

"Stoopid Dib, it's always quantity over quality!" a pink-haired girl called out over the ruckus. Dib turned to glare venomously at Todd, the action emphasized as he was still on his desk.

"You fool, I almost had proof! I could have saved the _world_!" he cried self-importantly, the smaller boy squeeing quietly and sinking deeper into his chair. He hadn't meant to upset Dib's plans, but there was no way he was getting that close to an alien base. Said alien was in a victory pose of wonderfulistic glee on his own desk, smirking at the young paranormal investigator.

"In your facial area _Dib_! Your stupid plan of stupidness has failed! _Failed_! You!" He turned to look at young Mr. Casil who squeed at the address. "When the world is eventually overrun by the, definitely _non-existent_, Irken armada you're disintegration will be quick and painless." Todd's eyes grew impossibly wider as he slunk down in his seat further. At least it wouldn't be more experimentation.

Ms. Bitters' form shuddered with inner rage at the painful happiness radiating from the children before she hissed, "_SILENCE!_", the entire room shaking. In a blink the kids were back in their seats, all traces of their euphoria gone. The evil creature surveyed the two boys still on their desks. "SIT!" They sitted. "Now that the location has been settled on, there is the matter of chaperones, i.e. a collection of your miserable parental figures to keep a leash on you all." She reached under her desk and pulled out a navy blue leash with a collar on the end of it. "As seen here. You will each get one and don't complain to me if you get one of the flea-infested ones.

"We will need at least six adults to accompany us or the _field trip_," the window glass shattered, "will be cancelled. Are the any volunteers?" Only five children raised their hands. "That is INADEQUATE!", Ms. Bitters boomed. She held up a hand with six fingers, "_Six_ adults are needed. One of you human larvae must sacrifice a parent as well. Hmmmm." The wretched teacher scanned her classroom seeing nothing but dim, drooling faces until she reached the pale and frightened face of, "Todd Casil!" The boy squeed and shot up poker straight in his chair. "As you were the one that suggested the zoo, you are now deemed responsible for bringing the sixth chaperone."

Todd gulped and stammered, "I-I don't think my Mommy or Daddy can m-make it…" Translation: he'd be ignored and then cussed out before he got two words out.

"Then bring a hobo. If you FAIL to bring a chaperone, then I will FAIL you in this class, just as you will FAIL in your general life." Todd was silent after this. There was just no winning for the poor kid. "Now then, all of you will report to this class tomorrow morning with your respective lunches and the six adult child detainers. We will leave for the _field trip_," every book in the bookcase turned into squares of rotten luncheon meat, "at 8:00 AM." As she finished these words the final school bell rang and the children all stampeded out of the room as Ms. Bitters disappeared in a swirling shadow vortex of doom.

This left little Todd Casil alone in the room, a scared and forlorn look on his face. Okay, so he always looked that way, but he looked it even more so right then. He sighed before pulling out Shmee, zipping his bag and slipping it on his shoulders. He hugged the teddy bear close to him as he began the ten mile walk home, pondering just how he would get a chaperone for the trip to the zoo.

Author's Note: And so the nightmare begins. Please don't sue me Mr. Vasquez, I don't have anything you want. Waffle? –holds out waffle drenched in syrup and lard-


	2. Squee ducky Heheheheh

Several miles, verbal assaults from his father, ignorance from his drugged out mother and a dinner of heavily salted chicken (it had expired last week) found Todd Casil standing shakily in front of the couch. Mommy was flopped over the left arm rest with a familiar orange prescription bottle in her limp hand and a waterfall of drool cascading from her mouth to the floor. Daddy was sitting cross-legged on the right side, a beer clenched in his hand as his glasses glared in eternal anger at a commercial stating that the latest Poop brand soda now came in curdled mustard flavor! Buy now! Give in to the Poop! You LOVE Poop brand soda! Everyone else does! Obey everyone else's kewl whims and DRINK POOP SODAAAAA!!!

Todd hugged Shmee to his side and gulped before stammering, "Uh-um, Daddy?"

Daddy grunted and took a swig of beer before growling, "What is it, you money-leeching mistake?"

"Um, I was wondering if you could…that is if you don't mind, could you..?"

"What?! Spit it out you little ball of misery!" Daddy bellowed.

"Will you please be a chaperone for my class field trip to the zoo tomorrow?"

"No."

"B-But I thought you had the day off tomorrow."

"Yeah, but I don't want to spend it with a bunch of rabid, drooling, retarded little creatures—and I'm not an animal person either."

"_Please_, Daddy? If I don't bring a chaperone Ms. Bitters is going to fail me!"

"Good. If you fail, you'll flunk out of school and I won't have to pay for you to go there anymore.", the man gripped his chin in thought, "I could lie about your age and kick you out of the house earlier…"

Todd sighed and turned to his semi-conscious mother. "Mommy? Can you chaperone? Please?"

"Mmmsorry, Toddy-todd-tooodd, Mommy's gonna' be busy pretending you don't exist, mmkay..?"

Todd swallowed hard and hugged Shmee tighter. "B-But I--."

"Bedtime, brat." Daddy said with a dismissive wave of the hand.

"But it's only 7:30."

"Well I've tired of you breathing my oxygen, so I say it's bedtime. Go now." Todd's shoulders drooped in defeat as he shuffled off to his bedroom, Shmee in tow. The boy closed the door behind him and sat dejectedly on his bed.

He held Shmee up and looked at him imploringly as he asked, "Shmee, what can I do? Mommy and Daddy are too busy to chaperone us. What's that?"

"…" Shmee said.

"That's not true Shmee, Mommy and Daddy love me. They're just really busy, doing so much to take care of me and all I do is keep bothering them." he sighed, "I guess I'm, going to fai--."

"EEEeeeeaahh! Oh sweet mother of cranberry sauce not _that_!! Aaaagh! No! NO! Not the mayonnaise jar, please—_oooowwaaaaahh!!_" Todd Casil sat up poker straight at the shrieks emanating from the scary neighbor man's house, though one would think that he'd be used to the screams after living next to the man for so long. The wails of pain were now mixed with sounds of a chainsaw, snapping bones and what sounded like a cork being popped out of a wine bottle. Todd shuddered and held his deranged teddy bear in a death grip.

The child swallowed dryly as he slipped off his bed and began to inch toward the door. "Don't worry, Shmee, the scary neighbor man is probably too (gulp) busy to come over tonight." His spare hand began to fumble for the doorknob when the screaming abruptly ceased with a loud splat. Todd's eyes grew twice their size as he grabbed the knob and turned. Kik. Kik-kik-kik. Locked. "Oh yeah, Daddy switched the lock when he said it'd be easier for me to get caught in a fire." The boy gulped and shuffled away from the door, ready to escape through the window. No sooner had he reached the thing than an absurdly large butcher knife was shot spinning through the air from the scary neighbor man's window. The giant blade buried itself into the wood of the window's outside, effectively sealing it shut.

Todd squeed loudly before a string of profanities exploded from the scary neighbor man's house, something about "out of batteries" and "radio can't" and "fuck, where'd I put my butcher knife?!" being sprinkled throughout the curses. Todd's eyes could have leaped from his sockets, done the Macarena and ran all the way to Wisconsin when he beheld the dreaded silhouette of his neighbor in the opposite window, his manic eyes glowing with their own light. Even from this distance he could tell Johnny C. was looking at his lost butcher knife just before he shot his gaze up and locked eyes with poor little Todd.

Said child began to shake like a vibrating chair on crack when his neighbor's infamously wide, white grin split his face, the razor thin man waving a hand in the air spastically in greeting. "Squee!", Todd squeaked. The scary neighbor man opened his own window. "_Squee!_", he shrieked as he made like hell for his bed—there was no way he was hiding in his dark, creepy closet with who knew what was waiting in there to dine on his liver and spleeeeeen. The boy momentarily wondered if the sound of boots on grass outside was real or if it was his own doomed imagination imagining his doomed demise coming for him. He dove under the covers with Shmee and curled them around his tiny body like a cocoon.

Todd Casil held his breath and chewed his lip, his ears straining to listen. Yes, he did hear his lawn's dead grass crunch, crunch, crunching up to his bedroom window. Gulp. He heard what had to be the scary neighbor man wrenching his big scary knife from his window's paneling. The boy's heart nearly exploded as he waited for the window to squeak open or for glass to shatter just before 209.5 knives were driven into his itty-bitty corpse, but neither sound ever came. He raised a hopeful yet cautious brow before he heard the crunch, crunch, crunching heading _away_ from his room.

Todd let out a giant sigh of relief and smiled warily. The scary neighbor man wasn't going to kill him tonight. He flipped off the covers and let his grip on Shmee relax whilst wiping some sweat from his forehead. "Wow Shmee, I thought for sure he was going to--." His only warning was a soft _click _before his door was kicked open by an eerily familiar and disturbingly deadly-looking boot. Todd didn't even bother to squee as Johnny the Homicidal Maniac popped his head inside and turned to smile at the boy.

"Hiya Squee! I would have opened your window, but I decided to use that cool tunnel under my house to get here instead. Isn't that neat?"

Todd struggled not to cut off Shmee's imaginary blood circulation as he crushed the teddy bear's arm in his hand and he stammered out, "Y-Yeah. Neat. Umm, are you going to kill me now? I'd really rather not die and—huh? Shmee, that's not a nice thing to say, even if he is going to kill me."

He gulped as Johnny gave the bear a deathglare before he exploded, "I heard that you putrid, fluffy bastard, and the day I implode and disintegrate into a mound of smoldering pulpy flesh is the day I gut you and ingest your goddamned cottony innards!!" By this point Todd's eyes had winced half closed at all the profanity. "Oh and I'm not going to kill you Squeegee, you're one of the rare non-assholes in the world and need to be preserved like the lovely endangered thing you are."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…That and I like that little 'squee' noise you make. It's just like a rubber ducky on helium. Heheheheh. Squee ducky. Heee."

"Hey!" Daddy's gruff voice bellowed from the living room causing both the boy and killer to jolt, "Who the hell's yelling down there?! If that's you Todd I'm going to call the scary monster things on you!" Todd slouched over his teddy bear and looked fearfully from his closet door to the dark space under his bed. Johnny alias Nny alias the Homicidal Maniac alias Noodle Boy alias That One Guy Who likes Cherry Brainfreezies narrowed his eyes in disgust.

A deep breath and then, "Oh it's just me, the serial killer and mass murderer who lives next door to you! In your son's bedroom armed with all manner of sharp-edged and explosive weaponry while I'm blocking his only exit!"

"Oh? Really? Right, carry on." And the TV's volume was turned up to an outrageous volume, no doubt to mask any potential sounds of horrendous, mutilating kidney-rupturing murder. The scary neighbor man balled his bony fists as he bared all his teeth with a growl, his wide eyes glaring at the doorway he had just stepped through.

Todd thought he heard the man mutter "disgusting…later, later…tongue…vacuum cleaner…" before he realized his little friend was still gaping in bug-eyed horror/anticipation at him. "So! I wanted to ask you, Squee, do you have any batteries? Mine died in the radio I was gonna' use to electrocute that guy who tried to sodomize me outside the mall, so I had to settled for smashing his head flat with an iron. Then I checked everywhere and the only batteries I had left were in my remote and I need that to watch stupid people hurting themselves for money and attention."

"If I give you batteries will you go home?"

"Mmyep!" Nny said with a giddy smile. That was all the motivation young Mr. Casil needed as he hopped off his bed and got on his hands and knees reaching under his bed. He pulled out one of his wind up robot toys and popped out the batteries, shoving the toy back under the bed before any monsters could eat his hand. Before he stood back up he saw one of his few other stuffed animals—a giraffe with half its stuffing ballooning out the head. A giraffe. Animals. The zoo. No chaperone. Three helpings of dairy each day. Moo. Fragment sentence.

Todd stood and dropped the batteries into the tall, thin man's outstretched hand, casting his big glassy eyes down with a sigh. Nny pocketed the batteries and raised a brow at the boy's slightly more pronounced sorrow. "Something wrong?"

"Huh? Oh no, it's nothing." Todd protested as he twiddled his fingers nervously. Part of him didn't want to bother the killer with his issues. Part of him didn't want the killer to stay in his room a second longer than he had to. Part of him really, _really_ wanted someone else to talk to besides Shmee. He was knocked from his reverie when Johnny C. abruptly had his face two inches from the boy's, the man's eyes psychotic and accusing.

Nny aimed his finger at Todd like it was a little gun as he bellowed, "LIES!! Lies I say! You sighed heavily, twiddled your fingers and glanced to the side and, to top it all off, you _denied there was anything wrong_!! Reveal your burden NOW!!!" The pair kept eye contact for a moment, the murderer's eyes narrowed and expectant, Todd's gawking and (naturally) frightened. Johnny's face of insane, rant-licious fervor dropped like so much leprosy-riddled flesh and became a cheery, smiley look of glee and guardian-like concern. "You'll feel aaaalllllll better.", he promised.

Todd gulped and for once completely ignored Shmee's advice. Talking to a crazy killing person was better than only a teddy bear 24/7. "Okay." Todd sat on the edge of his little bed, just barely flinching when the scary neighbor man sat next to him. "It's like this…"

!!!A LONG POINTLESS CONVERSATION YOU ALREADY KNOW THE CONTENT OF LATER!!!

"…and there you have it." It felt good to get his little tale off his chest, even if repeating the story left him feeling depressed again. Todd set his chin in his hands as he stared sadly at the floor. "Mommy and Daddy can't come and I don't know any hobos. What am I gonna' do?" he asked the air more than his neighbor.

"Hmmmmm.", he heard the neighbor man hum. "Nnnnngh." Todd looked up at the skinny man now, watching in wonder all of the different facial expressions he was going through. He looked like he was trying in vain to savor the flavor and texture of toenails soaked in dookie water…or making a difficult decision. Either or. "Rrrrrrgh. Uuuunngh." Todd blinked as the scary neighbor man clamped his skeletal hands over his wild black hair in frustration. Shmee all but erupted in a volcano of cottony white dismay as Todd actually, of his own will, honest and for truly, moved _closer_ to _Nny_. For realz. No seriously. Sometimes—only sometimes mind you—the boy truly sympathized with the mental man.

He almost always saw the killer all alone or with some hapless, brainless victim in an Economy sized Niploc bag behind him that he dragged into his dilapidated house. The only time Todd had ever seen his neighbor happy with someone alive was when he brought that lady with the short hair to his house. A few minutes later he'd heard screaming, ass-kicking and then he'd seen the lady running like hell from the house. Sometimes he heard the man ranting to unseen people called Psycho D-boy, Mr. Eff and Nailbunny, the latter seeming to be the only one he got along with.

Todd Casil had never seen the man with an honest to goodness, living, breathing friend that he didn't try to kill or unintentionally scare off. Never. _But maybe…maybe I could be a _kind of _friend. Maybe…_ He reached out a tiny hand, his fingers a hare's breath away from the man's striped shirt.

"_GYAAAARRRGH!!!_" Nny roared as he flailed his legs and thrust his arms in the air, hands twitching. Todd snatched his hand back and scooped Shmee into his arms.

_Maybe I should rethink my choosing of friends. _"Um, what's the matter scary neighbor man?"

"First of all, I told you to call me Nny. Secondly, I've come to a difficult but firm decision." Nny locked his gaze with Todd's, his face with a semi-pleased yet utterly grave and firm look. "I'm going to be your chaperone." Todd couldn't have heard right. He was probably just going deaf. Yes, soon his ears would start bleeding and his eardrums would come popping out.

"W-what?"

"I'm going to be the sixth chaperone and brave all the vile terrors of small, raving, imbecilic children and malnourished, reeking animals." Going deaf, going deaf, going deaf, no other explanation! But on the off chance he _wasn't _going deaf…

"You don't have to if you don't want to scary neigh—Nny. Really!"

"If you don't get a chaperone that withered eel of a teaching drone will fail you, right?"

"Well, yeah but--."

"And you've always wanted to go to the zoo, right?"

"Yes, but still--."

"Your fellow students will probably beat the crap out of you if you let them down, right?"

"Well, most likely but…but…"

"But what?" Todd swallowed dryly and all but strangled Shmee in his grasp. He was going to die eventually, he might as well die telling the truth.

"I'm afraid you'll kill someone." _There I said it._ Todd thought quickly before a knife could inevitably slice him in two. No knife came. He looked back up at Johnny who was looking at him blankly. Then:

"AHAHAAAHAA!!" Nny cackled as he held one hand over his unhealthily thin gut and another hand on Todd's little shoulder. "Aww Squee…ahahahaa…" he wiped a tear from his eye, Todd smiling out of nervousness. Nny looked at the boy with a 100 watt smile, an endearing twinkle in his manic eye as he soothed, "…Of _course_ I'm going to kill people! The ratio of ignorant, chauvinistic, stereotypical and/or hypocritical assholes to good people is far too imbalanced for us not to run into those useless meatbags I need to slaughter. It's just a fact silly Squeegee."

"Ah…umm, could you take a break from killing..? Maybe?"

"Lemme think." Johnny C. looked up, as if mulling over a difficult question. "Nope. Can't do it." Squee opened his mouth, "And no, you can't convince me to not chaperone, my mind is made up. Of squishy, pink thinking fleshies. Yup."

"Oh." Todd fumbled with his teddy bear and bit his lip again, not looking at Nny. "Could you…maybe not kill my classmates? I mean, i-if you're gonna' be a chaperone you have to _protect_ the kids you're watching."

"_All_ of them?!" Nny moaned, his eyes pleading the little boy to say he was joking.

"All of the one's you're watching, yes."

"Oh." Nny gripped his chin and fidgeted like a child being told he yes, he really did have to take his booster shot. "Are you sure? I couldn't say, let them get too close to the lion's cage or ignore them as they "fall" into the shark tank?"

"No. Being a chaperone means you can't allow harm to come to the kids you're watching." Nny opened his mouth. "And that includes not killing them." Todd almost felt bad for Johnny as a true forlorn pout appeared on his face, like the boy when his father snatched away Shmee and dangled him over the garbage disposal to keep him from whining about his food poisoned tummy aches.

The killer crossed his thin arms and seemed to ponder mysterious thoughts with a deep and brooding look on his face. Very brooding actually. The lighting even changed to enhance the deep, angsty shadows under his eyes and in the hallows of his cheeks. _Ding!_ Todd looked around for the bell that just dinged but found nothing. But he _did _see a wide, scheming, ever-so-eeeeeeevil grin curl Johnny C.'s lips. He clapped his hands and proclaimed, "Okeedokee, Squee! I am absolutely, definitely, one hundred and three percent a-ok with chaperoning your _field trip_--.", suddenly the bedframe of Todd's mattress melted into twin piles of goo, twin pairs of feet now resting their heels on the carpet. "WEIRD." Nny suddenly retrieved a Scumby doll from the floor. "I had a Scumby doll just like this when I was little! I think. Maybe…

"I remember something about some other kids throwing it back and forth…squishing it in the mud…lots of knives…then a Cherry Fizwiz…yeah." He dropped the toy and smiled at Todd as he hefted himself up. "See you in the morning, Squee!" And with that the murderer disappeared out his bedroom door.

A mentally unstable serial killer was going to be chaperoning him and several other small children at a zoo, one of those children being a space alien and the zoo itself was apparently a haunt for whatever things that enjoyed snatching up and/or doing unspeakable, torturous things to children. "…Could still be worse. Pepito could suddenly come back from his family vaca--." Todd slapped a hand over his mouth before he could finish the sentence. He didn't want to tempt his already malevolent karma. He sighed and got back under his covers, Shmee tucked under his arm. "Goodnight Shmee."

"…"

Author's Note: And thus the horrifically wonderful tale continues. And good news! My next update will arrive within the next 50 years:D


	3. Damn Keeblers

Well this thing's taken just short of forever to get updated, huh? –is thoroughly lynched for repulsive lack of fanfictionry- Right. Any hoody how, this chapter goes out as a (LATE) birthday present for my dear widdle friend Phantom Marbles. –gives thirteen b'day clubbings—er, punches, yes, birthday _punches_- But all of you feel free to enjoy this chapter or vomit at its atrociousness. Either or.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the grease was sizzling in the ten-gallon deep fat fryers of MacMeaties as Ms. Bitters' deplorable class lined up outside Skool. Five adults were standing alongside the drool monkeys, their quality ranging from Brady Bunch to White Trash as they chatted amongst themselves. "Did you see the last United Statesican Idol?!", blathered one mother to another.

"Oh, I DID! My gAwD, that fat girl with the blonde hair was just _horrrrribllllle_ and it was like she just didn't know when to shut up! I mean her singing was bad enough, but she just couldn't seem to close her mouth for more than two seconds! I hate those kind of people that get stuck on one subject and just keep dragging it on and on and on and on and on and grind into the ground without realizing just how stoopid and annoying they sound! Not to mention blah blah bl-blah blah-blah. Blah bl-blah blaaaah blah blah…"

A twitch came to Todd's eye as he tried his hardest to blot out the incessant buzz of indescribably grating and imbecilic squawks and caws of degenerate adults; just boring and eating away into the world like a great dingy acid that eventually corrode the world in their stupidity and—oh look a squirrel! Hi squirrel! As Todd watched the tiny happy fur-mammal do a can-can on a tree branch he caught sight of something tall, thin and metallic jump behind the side of the school, like an ornamented, animated flagpole. It was probably connected to something inhuman, potentially lethal and all around threatening to human and/or cow kind. _Just stay calm, Todd. Whatever it is, it's way over there and you're way over here, perfectly safe._

Just then Torque seemed to phase through a collective group of gibbering children as he held a blue-tinted and twitching little boy in his right fist, lifting him like a barbell. "Hmm, now where can I find another weight..?" The overly testosterone-filled boy shot his dull, dim eyes to where Todd Casil stood. Or at least where Todd Casil had been as the boy was now a mere five steps away from the far side of the school.

"That was close.", he gulped.

"Now listen carefully, GIR." Zim's voice leaked to the boy's ears. Todd perked up at the sound and cautiously peeked around the corner, holding in a gasp as he saw the alien hovering above ground on his spider legs, talking with a tiny, aqua-decaled robot. Said robot was seated in a thin, wiry android. "You must blend in flawlessly with the other human adults—you've watched a collective 9,374,982.5 hours of daytime television so that much should be easy. What you must truly focus on is--."

"What?" GIR asked with a wide grin.

"You must focus on--."

"WHAT?", the robot's grin even wider.

Zim's magenta eye twitched as he growled, "_You have to focus ON--._"

"WHAT!?!!", GIR shrieked happily as it convulsed in its seat. Zim paused here for about five minutes.

"…Now?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Right. You must focus on keeping the other stink humans preoccupied while I feed these to the Earthimals at the zoo." Now Zim pressed a button on a wristwatch-like device and a clear bag of dark purple pellets. "And when I trigger they're reaction, not only will I be free of those," the alien shuddered here, "human PIG spawn, but the infuriating Dib as well." He then proceeded to cackle evilly before he abruptly strained his throat and started coughing. "Ahem, so do you understand GIR? DO YOU REALLY?!!"

"MmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahNO. Wait, what about the real sixth chaperone person?"

_Nny?_ Todd gasped in his head.

"Oh the scrawny human the squeaky boy was bringing?" Todd assumed he was the aforementioned squeaky boy as Zim said, "I sent some of the mobile attack gnomes after him. By now he should either A) be stuck in a tube at the base so I can later fuse him with a turkey or B) be a smoldering pile of organ-ash." So saying Zim retracted his spider legs and put on his human disguise. "Now GIR, put on your stunningly realistic human disguise!!"

"Yes, my master!" GIR shouted as he glowed red before jumping into the air, doing a series of complicated moves and landing on the android's feet. He then returned to his aqua hue and proceeded to put on a cloth suit that roughly resembled Johnny C., complete with a big inflatable Johnny head. Part of the head deflated and one of the pimpriffic boots seemed to tilt at an inhuman angle. "Wow do I love FoOd! Food is great and so is football and The Larry Stinger Show!!" Oh yeah, it would blend in seamlessly. Wait…

_Wait…he said the sixth chaperone…Nny…oh no._ Todd thought in shock as he imagined the scary neighbor man either stuck in some alien experiment tube or a pile of black ash in his dilapidated car because of homicidal robo-gnomes. Granted the man was more than kill-happy himself, but he was still, in a bizarre way, a kind of friend to little Todd Casil. "Nny…", he gasped and abruptly covered his mouth, his scared eyes meeting Zim's alert ones. The boy turned and jumped behind a bush, not making a sound. He waited and listened. Nothing. He cautiously peeked above the bush and came eye-to-eye with Zim, his contact-covered eyes pointed down in a V of suspicion.

Zim seemed to recognize him as he shouted, "It's YOU! The human worm baby that suggested the zoo!'

"Y-Yeah that was me alright! Just trying to help you and your evil plan that I know nothing about, so if you don't mind I'll be on my way, okay? Okay, bye!" The human child then sprinted as fast as he could to the other children.

"Oh alright, bye then. …Waitaminute!!" Zim exclaimed as he turned and shot a long metal chord out of his PAK that lassoed Todd and whipped him back to the alien. The boy squeed as the metallic tentacle dropped him, only to have his shirt held in the green-skinned creature's hand. "What do you know of my ing_eeee_nious plan? What?! WHAT, I DEMAND YOU!!"

"I don't know anythi-!"

"What do you know?!"

"I don't know--!"

"What do you know flesh larvae!?"

"I--!"

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!"

"Okay, are you even listening to me?"

"DON'T LIE TO MEEE!!" Zim yelled as he shook Squee like a rag doll before something jiggly and hot pink came flying out of a tree and hit the alien's head with a _pop_! The balloon burst, water drenching Zim's head and steam rising from his skin before he dropped Todd and shrieked like a banshee, writhing and spasming on the grass.

"Forget to take your paste bath today, _Zim_?" Dib called degradingly from the oak tree as he made an epic leap to the ground, landing with Matrix-grace. The bespectacled boy chuckled with well-earned glee before turning to Squee. "You see, whatever alien race Zim's part of is severely allergic to water and meat."

Todd raised and eyebrow and said, "Well the water was a given, but what about that one episode where Zim tried to avoid germs by covering himself in napkin-meat?"

"What episode?"

Todd placed a hand on his chin and continued, "Okay, since it was technically made out of napkins it wasn't _really_ meat so--."

"What are you _talking _about?"

"Fourth wall."

"What?"

"What?"

"You were saying something about a napkin-meat episode and—wait a second…" Dib's eyes widened behind his glasses. "You know Zim's an alien?!", the paranormal investigator yelled as he grabbed Todd by the shoulders. The easily frightened boy seemed to pale at this as one of his fears seemed to rear its head.

"Ummmm, _no I don't_..?" Todd replied with a forced smile.

"Uh-_huh_. Okay then." Dib said, releasing the other boy. The scythe-haired lad had turned his back and taken all of two steps before he quickly spun around and pointed at the sky, his face a mask of shock. "OhmyGOD, it's Zim's Voot Cruiser!"

Todd turned as well and screamed, "Fire a bee at it!" His large eyes looked fearfully at the clouds and found no sign of the aforementioned alien vehicle. "…Oh poop. Gah!" Dib was suddenly right in his face, a smirk on his countenance and his black-sleeved arms crossed.

"So you _do_ know about Zim! Why didn't you say so before, we could out him right now! Or wait we could expose his base first and then reveal him to the world. But wait," Dib gripped his chin, "If we show the government the base first that could give Zim time to escape. Alright so we reveal Zim as the evil, human-hating, vile HoRrEnDoussssss alien he is, agreed?" Dib finished with a smile. The smile dropped when he realized Todd was long gone, hiding in the cluster of blathering school children.

Suddenly the shadow of a nearby tree elongated and darkened before arching into the air and contorting into Ms. Bitters. "Attention children and assorted spawning humans, we have been instructed to leave within the next two minutes. If the sixth chaperone does not arrive within that time, the _field trip_," the sun flickered in the sky like a dying lightbulb before resuming its usual glow, "will be indefinitely cancelled and we will spend the entire day memorizing the encyclopedias. The _French_ version."

The entire class (sans Pierre the French-loving student who was doing a sombrero dance around a large beret) turned to face Todd Casil with glaring, accusing eyes. A blonde girl with thin, pinched looking eyes put her hands on her hips and hissed, "Todd, if your chaperone ends up canceling our _field trip_," all the grass suddenly caught fire and turned to charred soil, "then we'll like totally hate you for the rest of your school career." All of the students seemed to overlook the fact that it was because of _him_ that they were going to the field trip in the first place.

"But weren't you going to do that anyway?"

"Yeah, but we'll hate you even harder if we don't get to go to the zoo because of your dumb, dummy head chaperone being late."

"NOT to fear fellow human-pupae!" Zim's voice bellowed from the back of the crowd. He peeled off one last piece of wet, shriveled skin from his face and put a wide, toothy grin on his mug. "I have located the final chaperone for our fun-filled, educational, and definitely NOT DOOM-FILLED voyage!", he exclaimed with much grandeur. Pierre then broke down and sobbed as an otherwise silent awkward silence followed.

Finally one kid spoke up and said, "…So where is he?"

"Eh? Oh, yes, right. The awaited chaperone is right over there!" Zim cried as he pointed to the opposite side of the street. Todd gasped as he and his fellow classmates saw the Nny-bot staggering awkwardly along the opposing sidewalk. The fake Nny then began to walk backwards. "No! NO! This way! Over here GIR!" Zim soliloquized into his wrist communicator. Fake Nny began to bounce on its head in a different direction. "No, GIR, not like that! Get back on your feet before your inhuman behavior is noticed!" Fake Nny then started to moonwalk. "Okay, that'll do, now come over here GIR."

Fake Nny moonwalk, complete with crotch grabbage, towards the school bus. "Oh for the love of—that's no _chaperone_, that's a _robot!!_", a familiar voice cried out. Dib abruptly shoved Zim out of the way and gaped imploringly into the sea of dead brain cells called students. He quickly zeroed in on Todd who impulsively flinched. Dib was next to him in an instant as he forcefully turned the other boy to look at the, still moonwalking, android. "C'mon Todd, you actually _know_ your chaperone, right? Do you really think that thing is him?!", Dib asked as he pointed accusingly at the robot.

"I…I…" Todd's eyebrows shot up in recognition, his eyes going from the dancing Nny-bot to farther down the street, a strange little glow of relief coming to him. "I see my chaperone speeding up the street at, at least 104 mph." The other kids suddenly recognized the roar of a car engine and looked down the street to see Johnny C.'s somewhat mangled car shooting along the pavement, with what looked like four heavily damaged (there were a few knives and ninja stars protruding from them), robotic gnomes flying after him.

The gnomes were sparking and smoking a little with injury as they attempted to shoot lasers at the car. Said vehicle then rammed into the Nny-bot, snapping it in half like a big metal stick, before it screeched to a halt. The driver's door was kicked open and out jumped Johnny the homicidal maniac, brandishing two of his trademark machetes. His large, dark-rimmed eyes were wild with kill-glee as he crouched down in his mad-awesome blade-boots and leapt twenty feet into the air. "FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!", he shrieked to the heavens as he plummeted and landed on one gnome and made several nearly invisible slices with his machetes. He leapt onto the other three gnomes and repeated the action before he jumped to the asphalt below.

Three seconds after his metal-tipped toes hit the ground, all four gnomes burst into bajillions of teeny metal specks due to Nny's fan-fucking-tastic edged-weapon skillz. The man then turned and pointed at the piles of metal and circuitry and yelled, "HA! In your _faces_ you damn Keebler elves! You'll have to do better than THAT to stop me! I'LL BRING DOWN YOUR NAZI COOKIE COMPANY YET!!! Eh?" Just then Johnny seemed to notice he was at Skool, in front of several children including, "Oh, hi Squee! Sorry I was almost late, but the Keebler elves sent these robo-assassins after me, and well, you know how that goes. So--."

It was then that the Fake Nny grabbed Real Nny's ankle, GIR's voice exclaiming, "Are you my dAdDyyy?!!"

"Um." Johnny glanced back at the kids, "Hold on just one more second, 'kay?" He then turned back to his android look-alike and started stabbing and slicing the living bejesus out of it. "Clone! Clone! CLONE! CLONECLONECLONECLONECLOOOOONNNNE!!!" The scrawny man then kicked the remains of the SIR unit and its disguise into the air and over several buildings until it landed far away with a vibrant, fiery explosion. Johnny then twirled his machetes and stuck them into his trenchcoat as he turned to look at the small children. "Now who's ready for a _field trip_?!"

And then the writer had a sudden heart attack and died and stopped writing this story…until they come back from the dead and start typing it roughly 92 years from now.

Please leave reviews or ritualistic sacrifices. Thanks.


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